My home country, here. Some random facts off the top (or bottom) of my head**. Bulgaria:
-Was founded as a state in 681 by a barbaric tribe coming from the Caucasus region (roughly) on the territory of a Byzantine province populated by some Slavic tribes. Eventually, the Bolgars were engulfed by the Slavs leaving a gene of atrocity and bloodthirstiness, which made for good soldiers and... uhh... chess players? I don't know... The Slavs on the other hand left behind beauty and cowardice... which made for nothing.
-Became Christian in 864 and balanced between Catholicism and Eastern Orthodox Christianity for quite a while; some limited groups accepted Islam between 14th and 19th century; 20th century communism largely wiped out all religions. All in all, religion has always been a matter of politics and survival and that's all I have to say of it.
-Had it's army fully destroyed by the Boulgaroktonos who captured and blinded 15,000 men leaving one one-eyed per every one hundred to lead the way back home. Sweet times, those Middle Ages. There was a vengeance though, due to the Romaioktonos who... oh well, killed a lot of Greeks. Obviously.
-Spent about five centuries in slavery, according to our books, and as a province, according to Turkish historians, of the Ottoman Empire. Fun times documented in countless historical records, fiction works, folklore songs, tales, and legends. Modern day historians are a tiny little bit suspicious of the credibility of the afore mentioned sources. Eh. History is also a matter of politics.
-Has always been better in war than in politics and diplomacy. For example, was an ally of Germany in WWII.
-Went through 45 years of communism. Which was and wasn't as scary, miserable and despicable as reflected in James Bond books/movies and whatever other sources of information people around here had. All I remember is that I had an awesome childhood marked by almost complete freedom from any restrictions and fears†. My parents – not so much. The reason it sucked was that communism practically reversed everything that is natural to people as well as what Western civilization has established as rules and laws of democracy. Namely, in communism people were said to have been created the same, in terms of abilities, talents and intelligence, but in front of the law… well, some were more equal than others (go read your Orwell if you don't get this one).
-NO, WAS NOT A PART OF THE SOVIET UNION. Assholes.
-Is to become part of EU. Blah. Politics.
-Since the fall of communism has seen the encounter of a Wild West lawlessness with the free market of Adam Smith with bureaucracy of a very non-Weberian type (as if it exists anyway). We saw the rise of Christian democrats (HA!), the shameless revival of the socialists, and the birth of grass-roots neo-fascism mixed with the obscenity of populism.
-Has a large gypsy population. And none of them looks like Brad Pitt. No. They look like Borat's fellow villagers.
-Was the place where my family, while having their morning coffee, watched a man getting shot, across the street from the building they live in. Also, my father was recently given a laptop for repair with a bullet in the monitor. He was ecstatic.
-Has a bacterium named after it.
For the rest, why, check CIA's factbook.
* It's mostly song titles that come to my mind when I think of the blog title. I don't know, cannot think of anything original. But it makes sense in my head...
**Really random. Incomplete. Irrelevant.
† But for Ronald Reagan
Monday, November 27, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Empathy. I have put empathy to be the only descriptive info in the "about me" section. Empathy being: the ability to walk in someone else's shoes. The other short piece of info accessible to the public (no matter of the public's lack of interest thereof) on this page is about my interests. It states me, followed by some elaboration to strengthen the point.
These are pretty much the issues that have been bothering me lately: the extent to which people are focused on themselves and their courage to venture into others' minds, motivations and feelings. The balance of taking care of your own well-being in the most intuitive way and the apprehension of the fact that your relationships are largely built upon your ability to understand and appreciate others' drives and experiences.
Empathy has been widely appreciated in management; simply put, you cannot manage people successfully without being able to see the world through their (collective) eyes (forget Henry Ford, he managed operations, not people). Empathy is not enough, but it is the foundation of dealing with people.
Empathy has been widely unappreciated in personal life. In personal life, it's about me. A you (he, she, they...) might come across BUT only as it relates to me. The way I see it, empathy in personal life and relationships might blow your mind. It would lead to a conflict of interests, choosing between your natural instinct to take care of yourself and the appreciation of another person's... uhmmm... existence is the word I'm looking for. Existence in your world.
I can go many ways from here, to the parent-child relationship, to friendship, to siblings' relationships, to intimate relationships. To symbiosis. Originally though, I wanted to talk about something much more generic, empathy towards fellow humans. I am not sure if I am not now entering the realm of Utopia; I am pretty sure though that being at least fair and respectful is an option in our attitudes towards other people. I know very well people are cognitive creatures building attitudes based on experiences. But, but, but! You can go two ways. You can either choose the high way of stereotyping (yep, it has been talked about and agreed upon the superiority of the approach), or my way - of at least sometimes trying to be respectful, open-minded, and fair. Just in general, towards people. You know, respectful as opposed to judgmental? Although being judgmental is so much fun, huh?
Once I had a conversation with a man that had spent years in self-torture (not physical, no) after a painful relationship-thingie experience. We were discussing something fairly mundane when he told me: "In most situations it doesn't matter what you do but how you do it. If you do it in a respectful way, even if people do not approve of your actions, you'll be able to keep a healthy relationship." Or make a graceful exit. After that discussion I've been constantly analyzing how my words and attitude might cause harm or pain. Or mild discomfort. In other words, I am trying to look at the results of my actions beyond my own being. I am trying to get this empathy thing going and since we judge about other people through our own reactions, I am trying to be compassionate of others' feelings. Sort of. Maybe. Still learning.
Or, you know what? Maybe I am going the wrong way. Maybe I am just ultra-super-sensitive about every stupid little thing that people say or do. Maybe other people don't care about such things, they don't get hurt by words. Maybe empathy is only a tool and sympathy - a waste of your emotional resources. Maybe apathy, stereotyping, judgmentalism (?????) ARE the way to go.
Unless it's your ass that gets kicked. Hurts.
These are pretty much the issues that have been bothering me lately: the extent to which people are focused on themselves and their courage to venture into others' minds, motivations and feelings. The balance of taking care of your own well-being in the most intuitive way and the apprehension of the fact that your relationships are largely built upon your ability to understand and appreciate others' drives and experiences.
Empathy has been widely appreciated in management; simply put, you cannot manage people successfully without being able to see the world through their (collective) eyes (forget Henry Ford, he managed operations, not people). Empathy is not enough, but it is the foundation of dealing with people.
Empathy has been widely unappreciated in personal life. In personal life, it's about me. A you (he, she, they...) might come across BUT only as it relates to me. The way I see it, empathy in personal life and relationships might blow your mind. It would lead to a conflict of interests, choosing between your natural instinct to take care of yourself and the appreciation of another person's... uhmmm... existence is the word I'm looking for. Existence in your world.
I can go many ways from here, to the parent-child relationship, to friendship, to siblings' relationships, to intimate relationships. To symbiosis. Originally though, I wanted to talk about something much more generic, empathy towards fellow humans. I am not sure if I am not now entering the realm of Utopia; I am pretty sure though that being at least fair and respectful is an option in our attitudes towards other people. I know very well people are cognitive creatures building attitudes based on experiences. But, but, but! You can go two ways. You can either choose the high way of stereotyping (yep, it has been talked about and agreed upon the superiority of the approach), or my way - of at least sometimes trying to be respectful, open-minded, and fair. Just in general, towards people. You know, respectful as opposed to judgmental? Although being judgmental is so much fun, huh?
Once I had a conversation with a man that had spent years in self-torture (not physical, no) after a painful relationship-thingie experience. We were discussing something fairly mundane when he told me: "In most situations it doesn't matter what you do but how you do it. If you do it in a respectful way, even if people do not approve of your actions, you'll be able to keep a healthy relationship." Or make a graceful exit. After that discussion I've been constantly analyzing how my words and attitude might cause harm or pain. Or mild discomfort. In other words, I am trying to look at the results of my actions beyond my own being. I am trying to get this empathy thing going and since we judge about other people through our own reactions, I am trying to be compassionate of others' feelings. Sort of. Maybe. Still learning.
Or, you know what? Maybe I am going the wrong way. Maybe I am just ultra-super-sensitive about every stupid little thing that people say or do. Maybe other people don't care about such things, they don't get hurt by words. Maybe empathy is only a tool and sympathy - a waste of your emotional resources. Maybe apathy, stereotyping, judgmentalism (?????) ARE the way to go.
Unless it's your ass that gets kicked. Hurts.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Don't call me daughter
Topics covered tonight:
-"What is loneliness but the reflection of taillights on wet asphalt."
-The darkness of central Maine is overwhelming.
-They're hippies because they can afford to be.
-I don't want to get old, ever. I don't think I am fit to be old; I don't think most people are. That's why they are so lame at it.
-No matter how much time and space you leave between yourself and your ghosts, you're still haunted. They are part of you and killing them will kill you.
Truth is, I'm pissed
-"What is loneliness but the reflection of taillights on wet asphalt."
-The darkness of central Maine is overwhelming.
-They're hippies because they can afford to be.
-I don't want to get old, ever. I don't think I am fit to be old; I don't think most people are. That's why they are so lame at it.
-No matter how much time and space you leave between yourself and your ghosts, you're still haunted. They are part of you and killing them will kill you.
Truth is, I'm pissed
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Gesundheit*
Shadows, who's afraid of shadows? I, for one, am. Hugely intimidated by the shadows of the past (and also, in the back alley... under my window... something's lurking in there). Memories can be terrifying, sure. Yes, I know they are relative; and, yes, I know they are part of who we, as individuals, are... Why would I be scared if they weren't?
But! I am even more intimidated by the idea that shadows from the past rise too often to haunt the present and the future, binary shadows rising from the digital veil of the discworld. Whoever said the world is getting smaller was damn right. Moreover, time is getting shorter; past is past no more and future never existed anyway. Past and present become one and unfortunately people are not only products of their past... We come with full-blooded public access resumes.
Technology is merely feeding the paranoya. Awesome as it is. The paranoya...
*This piece is an example of witch trial logic, see Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail for more info.
But! I am even more intimidated by the idea that shadows from the past rise too often to haunt the present and the future, binary shadows rising from the digital veil of the discworld. Whoever said the world is getting smaller was damn right. Moreover, time is getting shorter; past is past no more and future never existed anyway. Past and present become one and unfortunately people are not only products of their past... We come with full-blooded public access resumes.
Technology is merely feeding the paranoya. Awesome as it is. The paranoya...
*This piece is an example of witch trial logic, see Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail for more info.
Sunday, September 3, 2006
Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
Stereotype: n. a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing: the stereotype of the woman as the carer | sexual and racial stereotypes.
Stereotypes, I am full of them. Stereotypes about countries and peoples, the sexes, professions, whatever. Traveling around this multi-dimentional country makes me realize how strong a foundation they have in my mind and how obtuse I am for giving in to them. It's easy, of course. Way easier than thinking. And it makes for a good joke.
Only when I am treated as a stereotype do I understand fully how painful and humiliating that can be. We laugh most of the time, right? We have to keep the good humour. But what if it's not a joke? What if it's a mean, bitter, even angry remark. A remark you don't feel you have provoked with your personal behaviour... A remark based on a stereotype about your gender, hair colour, political views, education... anything... that you see as fundamentally wrong and not relating to your personality even a tiny little bit. I cannot laugh.
It is possible that I care too much. But ignorance and closed-mindedness piss me off. And then I look into my head and see what a wealth of these traits I possess.
I'm not going anywhere with that.
Stereotypes, I am full of them. Stereotypes about countries and peoples, the sexes, professions, whatever. Traveling around this multi-dimentional country makes me realize how strong a foundation they have in my mind and how obtuse I am for giving in to them. It's easy, of course. Way easier than thinking. And it makes for a good joke.
Only when I am treated as a stereotype do I understand fully how painful and humiliating that can be. We laugh most of the time, right? We have to keep the good humour. But what if it's not a joke? What if it's a mean, bitter, even angry remark. A remark you don't feel you have provoked with your personal behaviour... A remark based on a stereotype about your gender, hair colour, political views, education... anything... that you see as fundamentally wrong and not relating to your personality even a tiny little bit. I cannot laugh.
It is possible that I care too much. But ignorance and closed-mindedness piss me off. And then I look into my head and see what a wealth of these traits I possess.
I'm not going anywhere with that.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Peaches
Umm, apparently shopping days will be days of blogging inspiration from now on. I bought some basic groceries today, peaches, eggs, solution, etc. While selecting peaches, it came to my mind that I have started to eat unbelievable amounts of peaches as of late, almost as if I was addicted. Thinking about it, my mind slipped to some other addictions of mine. My grandfather used to say that habits (and addictions were sort of implied) are a man's worst enemy. I assume he meant a woman's, too.
So, following is a not so short list of my addictions.
1. Well, I do have to start with the inspirational fruits - peaches. I've always been a sucker for fruits, almost all types. Recently though I've been buying, and eating, almost disagreeable amounts of peaches. I love them. I must be eating about 3 or 4 a day, everyday. I'd eat more but I can do only so much. A friend was showing me once a book with all sorts of fruits and veggies that were lost in humanity's battle with nature. I wonder what types of peaches I have missed for being born in these times of victory.
2. Yeah, cigarettes. I've been smoking on and off for half of my life now, embarrassing as it is. I have pretty much minimized smoking without completely quitting. Which is amazingly stupid and deserves my uttermost contempt. I do smoke when I'm drinking and I do smoke a lot when I'm drinking, it's almost chain-smoking. I also smoke when I'm driving long distance alone. It pleasures me. I don't smoke at all otherwise. That's my compromise and it's pathetic.
3. The Internet. Well, not the Internet at large. I'm no good at browsing because I don't have the patience to follow a line. But I am addicted to web sites. First of all comes my Google home page, with my gmail account and all the news sources I am interested to follow. They include a bunch of geek (but not extra-geek) web sites such as CNet News, Slashdot, Techdirt, Wired News, and the awesome Google Earth Hacks... Also, news websites, such as Google News, BBC News, Forbes News, etc. And some fun shit, like Quotes of the Day... I recently got addicted to YouTube.com, and more particularly, a video blog of a person calling himself boh3m3. He's quite a character but he's also smart and amusing, of sorts. And, yeah, myspace.com... Myspace does not deserve much of a commentary though.
4. Solitude. I used to think of it as loneliness until I remembered there's a way better word for it - solitude (and that reminded me of one of my all time favorite books, One Hundred Years of Solitude, a book I grew old reading). How did that come to happen I don't know. I sort of remember when I started choosing to be alone, to drive somewhere by myself, to go for a walk, run, to the gym, by myself. To just stay home, by myself. There was a very well defined period of time about a year ago when I devoted myself to waiting, hoping beyond hope, ugh! And waiting, it is a lonely activity, it was for me anyhow. Man, I wish I hadn't done it. Anyway, when I finally realized it was nothing I was waiting for, it turned out I didn't want people around anymore. Totally focused on myself, licking my wounds (do you happen to have this expression here?), I didn't want other people. In a while I was done feeling sorry for myself but I realized I didn't necessarily need people anymore. Sure, I need to hang with people from time to time but the personal time and space I need barely allow me to pay attention to anyone else. Damn.
5. Nine Inch Nails... Oh well, that is something that everyone that has met me, even briefly, in the last couple of months, knows. I'm not sure if it's addiction or obsession. Fact is, I cannot listen to anything else ever since I went to this concert. A friend shared it takes about a year to recover. Man, I don't know. I'm sort of trying to unhook because I don't want to end up hating the band and feeling sick of the music. But it is not only the music that I like. At some point I started understanding what the guy is singing about and it's painful how much I can relate to it. Amazingly enough, Nine Inch Nails energizes me like the freaking bunny batteries, what was the brand? I feel like flying when I listen to that music.
6. Strange and stranger than strange experiences. Well, that's a funny and interesting one, too. The way I see myself, I am an ordinary and normally boring person awarded with a very interesting life. The truth is, I have never been prone to planning in my personal life, I've been floating, following the flow. The few times I've taken decisions, they related to building some sort of principles and/or values to protect myself from some currents and waves that might smash me against the rocky bottom and break my neck. But the flow has taken me to strange places, met me with extremely interesting people... I have become addicted to interesting, talented, smart, and charismatic people. I fully realize they might be such only in my eyes. But isn't perception all?
7. Finally... I guess I could come up with a bunch of other things but I don't have to bare it all, right? Finally, apparently, I am totally addicted, obsessed and in love with myself. I cannot see anything further than the tip of my nose. Or the peach in my hand.
My brain has turned to a peach.
So, following is a not so short list of my addictions.
1. Well, I do have to start with the inspirational fruits - peaches. I've always been a sucker for fruits, almost all types. Recently though I've been buying, and eating, almost disagreeable amounts of peaches. I love them. I must be eating about 3 or 4 a day, everyday. I'd eat more but I can do only so much. A friend was showing me once a book with all sorts of fruits and veggies that were lost in humanity's battle with nature. I wonder what types of peaches I have missed for being born in these times of victory.
2. Yeah, cigarettes. I've been smoking on and off for half of my life now, embarrassing as it is. I have pretty much minimized smoking without completely quitting. Which is amazingly stupid and deserves my uttermost contempt. I do smoke when I'm drinking and I do smoke a lot when I'm drinking, it's almost chain-smoking. I also smoke when I'm driving long distance alone. It pleasures me. I don't smoke at all otherwise. That's my compromise and it's pathetic.
3. The Internet. Well, not the Internet at large. I'm no good at browsing because I don't have the patience to follow a line. But I am addicted to web sites. First of all comes my Google home page, with my gmail account and all the news sources I am interested to follow. They include a bunch of geek (but not extra-geek) web sites such as CNet News, Slashdot, Techdirt, Wired News, and the awesome Google Earth Hacks... Also, news websites, such as Google News, BBC News, Forbes News, etc. And some fun shit, like Quotes of the Day... I recently got addicted to YouTube.com, and more particularly, a video blog of a person calling himself boh3m3. He's quite a character but he's also smart and amusing, of sorts. And, yeah, myspace.com... Myspace does not deserve much of a commentary though.
4. Solitude. I used to think of it as loneliness until I remembered there's a way better word for it - solitude (and that reminded me of one of my all time favorite books, One Hundred Years of Solitude, a book I grew old reading). How did that come to happen I don't know. I sort of remember when I started choosing to be alone, to drive somewhere by myself, to go for a walk, run, to the gym, by myself. To just stay home, by myself. There was a very well defined period of time about a year ago when I devoted myself to waiting, hoping beyond hope, ugh! And waiting, it is a lonely activity, it was for me anyhow. Man, I wish I hadn't done it. Anyway, when I finally realized it was nothing I was waiting for, it turned out I didn't want people around anymore. Totally focused on myself, licking my wounds (do you happen to have this expression here?), I didn't want other people. In a while I was done feeling sorry for myself but I realized I didn't necessarily need people anymore. Sure, I need to hang with people from time to time but the personal time and space I need barely allow me to pay attention to anyone else. Damn.
5. Nine Inch Nails... Oh well, that is something that everyone that has met me, even briefly, in the last couple of months, knows. I'm not sure if it's addiction or obsession. Fact is, I cannot listen to anything else ever since I went to this concert. A friend shared it takes about a year to recover. Man, I don't know. I'm sort of trying to unhook because I don't want to end up hating the band and feeling sick of the music. But it is not only the music that I like. At some point I started understanding what the guy is singing about and it's painful how much I can relate to it. Amazingly enough, Nine Inch Nails energizes me like the freaking bunny batteries, what was the brand? I feel like flying when I listen to that music.
6. Strange and stranger than strange experiences. Well, that's a funny and interesting one, too. The way I see myself, I am an ordinary and normally boring person awarded with a very interesting life. The truth is, I have never been prone to planning in my personal life, I've been floating, following the flow. The few times I've taken decisions, they related to building some sort of principles and/or values to protect myself from some currents and waves that might smash me against the rocky bottom and break my neck. But the flow has taken me to strange places, met me with extremely interesting people... I have become addicted to interesting, talented, smart, and charismatic people. I fully realize they might be such only in my eyes. But isn't perception all?
7. Finally... I guess I could come up with a bunch of other things but I don't have to bare it all, right? Finally, apparently, I am totally addicted, obsessed and in love with myself. I cannot see anything further than the tip of my nose. Or the peach in my hand.
My brain has turned to a peach.
Sunday, August 6, 2006
Ladies only, gentlemen forbidden
Shopping day. I went to Target for the usual stuff, toothpaste, soap, etc. While shopping for a certain feminine product, I noticed a small yellow box in the corner of the pack saying "FREE MUSIC DOWNLOAD Inside". Awww! That made me giggle. The girl next to me looked funny at me, her boyfriend even more so.
Well, of course I bought this certain brand and couldn't wait to get home and open it to see what the deal was. I have to say I was overjoyed to get something guys don't have access to. Not that I'm a feminist, but there's got to be some, any, advantage to being a woman. 26 years of being a woman have been disappointing so far. There has to be more than getting free drinks, dinners, and movies (for those going to the movies).
Dammit! The deal is, I have to install CONNECT Music on my computer, as if there's not enough shit on it as it is, register, and then get one lousy song. The great rock and roll swindle!
I'm no more than a Pavlov's dog. See FREE, buy. Another disappointment.
Well, of course I bought this certain brand and couldn't wait to get home and open it to see what the deal was. I have to say I was overjoyed to get something guys don't have access to. Not that I'm a feminist, but there's got to be some, any, advantage to being a woman. 26 years of being a woman have been disappointing so far. There has to be more than getting free drinks, dinners, and movies (for those going to the movies).
Dammit! The deal is, I have to install CONNECT Music on my computer, as if there's not enough shit on it as it is, register, and then get one lousy song. The great rock and roll swindle!
I'm no more than a Pavlov's dog. See FREE, buy. Another disappointment.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
In the bubble, big shiny bubble
Cannot sleep, my mind is on fire. I'm not exactly sure why, I've been restless for such a long time. I miss some people from back in the time; I was able to say so much to these people and they would still be there in the end; they would know I'd be there for them when their turn came. These people are still back there, only I am not (or, are they; they have lives of their own, I have to remind myself).
Is that going to be a lament for the lost, or wasted? Maybe, maybe...
It seems there's a mid-20s crisis no one's ever talking about (or I haven't heard of, that's a possibility). We all know about the teen years, been there, done that. Middle-age crisis, it'll undoubtedly come, everyone says so. But what about the mid-20s crisis, when you realize there's nothing certain, there's no right answer to anything (oh, well, unless you're one of the lucky fanatic ones; they always know the answers). When you pretty much doubt every choice you've made. When there's not much out there that entices your interest. I don't want to even start with what's going on in this mess of corporate interests, religions, larger-than-life egos, and tiny, tiny dots of darkness called our world. I cannot really say anything that hasn't been said. And I'm at least ten years older than the person that believed anything's possible, change included.
So, I'll linger in my mid-20s head (uhh, over the hill 20s, or whatever the expression). That's the first time in my life when I actually turn back and ponder over the decisions and choices I've made. And ask if I've ever had a choice, ever... Are choices made before opportunities even arise?
I cannot say I'm sorry about the decisions I've made. I mean, I might be sorry but what's the point? Many of the choices I've made have been bad, or worse... There's a chance I do remember only the bad ones. What I want to know is not what were they but why were they... Good or bad, I want to know why I made these choices. Increasingly, I have felt the pressure of being on a crossroad. Twice in my life I made choices that totally changed if not me, my concept of me. Once, I made a choice that completely changed my life.
Oddly enough, the decisions were never made purely consciously; I don't recall a distinct moment when I thought, that's it, I know what I'm doing and that's how it's going to be. But, decisions were nevertheless made.
What worries me is the lack of control over these events. Yes, decisions were made. But how could I make them? If ever asked in a serious discussion I'd never say I'd make such choices; I'd also have the most convincing and sound arguments to support whatever hypothetical choice it'd be. Yet...
I know there is an explanation. I believe in reason, I believe in cause and effect. I see the effects, admittedly not all of them. Now I want the cause and the price doesn't matter.
How does one go about getting to know oneself?
Is that going to be a lament for the lost, or wasted? Maybe, maybe...
It seems there's a mid-20s crisis no one's ever talking about (or I haven't heard of, that's a possibility). We all know about the teen years, been there, done that. Middle-age crisis, it'll undoubtedly come, everyone says so. But what about the mid-20s crisis, when you realize there's nothing certain, there's no right answer to anything (oh, well, unless you're one of the lucky fanatic ones; they always know the answers). When you pretty much doubt every choice you've made. When there's not much out there that entices your interest. I don't want to even start with what's going on in this mess of corporate interests, religions, larger-than-life egos, and tiny, tiny dots of darkness called our world. I cannot really say anything that hasn't been said. And I'm at least ten years older than the person that believed anything's possible, change included.
So, I'll linger in my mid-20s head (uhh, over the hill 20s, or whatever the expression). That's the first time in my life when I actually turn back and ponder over the decisions and choices I've made. And ask if I've ever had a choice, ever... Are choices made before opportunities even arise?
I cannot say I'm sorry about the decisions I've made. I mean, I might be sorry but what's the point? Many of the choices I've made have been bad, or worse... There's a chance I do remember only the bad ones. What I want to know is not what were they but why were they... Good or bad, I want to know why I made these choices. Increasingly, I have felt the pressure of being on a crossroad. Twice in my life I made choices that totally changed if not me, my concept of me. Once, I made a choice that completely changed my life.
Oddly enough, the decisions were never made purely consciously; I don't recall a distinct moment when I thought, that's it, I know what I'm doing and that's how it's going to be. But, decisions were nevertheless made.
What worries me is the lack of control over these events. Yes, decisions were made. But how could I make them? If ever asked in a serious discussion I'd never say I'd make such choices; I'd also have the most convincing and sound arguments to support whatever hypothetical choice it'd be. Yet...
I know there is an explanation. I believe in reason, I believe in cause and effect. I see the effects, admittedly not all of them. Now I want the cause and the price doesn't matter.
How does one go about getting to know oneself?
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