Dead horse

Don't explain to me why it wouldn't work…

Ugh, I used to hear something of the sort from my father all the time. Every time he would give me an advice and I would try to tell him of all thousand and one reasons I thought it couldn't work for. That was his response after which I'd usually storm out of the room and… do exactly what he told me.

I am very much a worry-er. I cannot sleep when thinking of the problems in my life. I have panic attacks. I mumble to myself (in an odd concoction of Bulgarian and English). I sigh and walk around in circles.

But, I am very much my father's daughter, and I am very much a warrior. After panicking and all that jazz, I sit down and find out how to deal with the problem. And move on.


Story time (Problems vs. Solutions)

Problem
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface).

Solution A
In order to solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees

Solution B
And what did Russians do?? The Russians used a Pencil!!! *


I've heard the story before from my dear husband but reading it like this (with the nice little conclusion on that site, namely: think simple, focus on the solution, not the problem) struck me with its clarity. I am a firm believer in acting and bringing in good in our lives instead of sitting around and waiting for the bad to happen. And then happen again. And again… it piles up like bad credit.

I have stumbled upon the basic concept that "life sucks" or better put by some '90s poet "I hate myself and I want to die" (heh)... the concept that bad comes naturally in life. But that somehow doesn't ring true in my ears. Only randomness is natural. Things happen, good and bad. But we're also given the opportunity, by birth, to influence our lives, more or less. Not that we're all that powerful, not that we could fight randomness (navigate it… just a thought)… Just most of the problems we're dealing with are not that bad. We focus so much on them, we sort of succumb into them and forget to look for the solution.

I am also not saying that solutions are always simple or easy, no… But I don't recall being promised a simple and easy life at any point. It's just life. It is a battle. It could be sweet, it could be bitter. But way better then nothing.

I am done.


* On a side note: yes, Americans won the Cold War, and yes, that happened because communism is crippling to any country, even one rich with resources of all kinds as Russia. Americans had more money, Americans won. But, maybe the deficiency of money helped the Russians come up with such a simple solution; they had nothing to invest in the research of the kind Americans conducted).

Seven Seas of Rhye

It'll be 2 months soon since we got married. It's still a novelty, it's still exciting, it's still surprising. I never used to think of marriage. I mean, not that I have ever been actively against marriage as an institution, I just never used to think of it. In any sort of relationship, I never cast my thought beyond what was happening at the moment. I never as a little girl dreamt of a wedding day with all the… fuss… I don't really know what's going down on a normal wedding day as I have been present at only one wedding and I only remember it was a pretty good party.

So back in the day, when things were good, we joked with the idea from time to time (of me being finally made an honest woman), but the fact of the matter was, we were together, we loved each other, if I dared look forward and dream, we'd have been together forever. But marriage, it's too much of a bother to just have the very day of wedding. And we were lazy. And it was too soon. So… that was that.

Some broken dreams, tears, thinking, more tears (all me, whiny and weepy), built-again dreams, and a six-pack of Black Fly Stout (we didn't drink it ourselves, mind you) later I became... I was made an honest woman. And… and it's like nothing I have ever imagined before.

People say you don't need to validate love by signing a piece of paper, it's just a legal procedure… Yeah… But boy, do I feel different! It's really hard to explain but it seems like there's been a tiny little romantic buried deep in me that lifted her head and started speaking at that "I do" moment. Started feeling, too. My love for my husband has not grown less intense, less passionate, or more mature, at least not yet. But the feeling that I am not alone anymore, that I belong to an entity different than my own person, bigger and better than it, that's new. The feeling that there's someone that's more dear to my heart than I myself am, that's new. The desire and will to take care of someone else and their comfort and peace of mind, and be taken care of back, that's new.

Yes, I have a family back home, and I love and respect them immensely. But that family is my roots, it's where I start. My new family, my husband and I, that's the future.

So, yeah, things change after marriage. Or at least they changed for me. But I love it. Also, we have the best wedding story ever.