Peaches

Umm, apparently shopping days will be days of blogging inspiration from now on. I bought some basic groceries today, peaches, eggs, solution, etc. While selecting peaches, it came to my mind that I have started to eat unbelievable amounts of peaches as of late, almost as if I was addicted. Thinking about it, my mind slipped to some other addictions of mine. My grandfather used to say that habits (and addictions were sort of implied) are a man's worst enemy. I assume he meant a woman's, too.

So, following is a not so short list of my addictions.

1. Well, I do have to start with the inspirational fruits - peaches. I've always been a sucker for fruits, almost all types. Recently though I've been buying, and eating, almost disagreeable amounts of peaches. I love them. I must be eating about 3 or 4 a day, everyday. I'd eat more but I can do only so much. A friend was showing me once a book with all sorts of fruits and veggies that were lost in humanity's battle with nature. I wonder what types of peaches I have missed for being born in these times of victory.

2. Yeah, cigarettes. I've been smoking on and off for half of my life now, embarrassing as it is. I have pretty much minimized smoking without completely quitting. Which is amazingly stupid and deserves my uttermost contempt. I do smoke when I'm drinking and I do smoke a lot when I'm drinking, it's almost chain-smoking. I also smoke when I'm driving long distance alone. It pleasures me. I don't smoke at all otherwise. That's my compromise and it's pathetic.

3. The Internet. Well, not the Internet at large. I'm no good at browsing because I don't have the patience to follow a line. But I am addicted to web sites. First of all comes my Google home page, with my gmail account and all the news sources I am interested to follow. They include a bunch of geek (but not extra-geek) web sites such as CNet News, Slashdot, Techdirt, Wired News, and the awesome Google Earth Hacks... Also, news websites, such as Google News, BBC News, Forbes News, etc. And some fun shit, like Quotes of the Day... I recently got addicted to YouTube.com, and more particularly, a video blog of a person calling himself boh3m3. He's quite a character but he's also smart and amusing, of sorts. And, yeah, myspace.com... Myspace does not deserve much of a commentary though.

4. Solitude. I used to think of it as loneliness until I remembered there's a way better word for it - solitude (and that reminded me of one of my all time favorite books, One Hundred Years of Solitude, a book I grew old reading). How did that come to happen I don't know. I sort of remember when I started choosing to be alone, to drive somewhere by myself, to go for a walk, run, to the gym, by myself. To just stay home, by myself. There was a very well defined period of time about a year ago when I devoted myself to waiting, hoping beyond hope, ugh! And waiting, it is a lonely activity, it was for me anyhow. Man, I wish I hadn't done it. Anyway, when I finally realized it was nothing I was waiting for, it turned out I didn't want people around anymore. Totally focused on myself, licking my wounds (do you happen to have this expression here?), I didn't want other people. In a while I was done feeling sorry for myself but I realized I didn't necessarily need people anymore. Sure, I need to hang with people from time to time but the personal time and space I need barely allow me to pay attention to anyone else. Damn.

5. Nine Inch Nails... Oh well, that is something that everyone that has met me, even briefly, in the last couple of months, knows. I'm not sure if it's addiction or obsession. Fact is, I cannot listen to anything else ever since I went to this concert. A friend shared it takes about a year to recover. Man, I don't know. I'm sort of trying to unhook because I don't want to end up hating the band and feeling sick of the music. But it is not only the music that I like. At some point I started understanding what the guy is singing about and it's painful how much I can relate to it. Amazingly enough, Nine Inch Nails energizes me like the freaking bunny batteries, what was the brand? I feel like flying when I listen to that music.

6. Strange and stranger than strange experiences. Well, that's a funny and interesting one, too. The way I see myself, I am an ordinary and normally boring person awarded with a very interesting life. The truth is, I have never been prone to planning in my personal life, I've been floating, following the flow. The few times I've taken decisions, they related to building some sort of principles and/or values to protect myself from some currents and waves that might smash me against the rocky bottom and break my neck. But the flow has taken me to strange places, met me with extremely interesting people... I have become addicted to interesting, talented, smart, and charismatic people. I fully realize they might be such only in my eyes. But isn't perception all?

7. Finally... I guess I could come up with a bunch of other things but I don't have to bare it all, right? Finally, apparently, I am totally addicted, obsessed and in love with myself. I cannot see anything further than the tip of my nose. Or the peach in my hand.

My brain has turned to a peach.

Ladies only, gentlemen forbidden

Shopping day. I went to Target for the usual stuff, toothpaste, soap, etc. While shopping for a certain feminine product, I noticed a small yellow box in the corner of the pack saying "FREE MUSIC DOWNLOAD Inside". Awww! That made me giggle. The girl next to me looked funny at me, her boyfriend even more so.

Well, of course I bought this certain brand and couldn't wait to get home and open it to see what the deal was. I have to say I was overjoyed to get something guys don't have access to. Not that I'm a feminist, but there's got to be some, any, advantage to being a woman. 26 years of being a woman have been disappointing so far. There has to be more than getting free drinks, dinners, and movies (for those going to the movies).

Dammit! The deal is, I have to install CONNECT Music on my computer, as if there's not enough shit on it as it is, register, and then get one lousy song. The great rock and roll swindle!

I'm no more than a Pavlov's dog. See FREE, buy. Another disappointment.

In the bubble, big shiny bubble

Cannot sleep, my mind is on fire. I'm not exactly sure why, I've been restless for such a long time. I miss some people from back in the time; I was able to say so much to these people and they would still be there in the end; they would know I'd be there for them when their turn came. These people are still back there, only I am not (or, are they; they have lives of their own, I have to remind myself).

Is that going to be a lament for the lost, or wasted? Maybe, maybe...

It seems there's a mid-20s crisis no one's ever talking about (or I haven't heard of, that's a possibility). We all know about the teen years, been there, done that. Middle-age crisis, it'll undoubtedly come, everyone says so. But what about the mid-20s crisis, when you realize there's nothing certain, there's no right answer to anything (oh, well, unless you're one of the lucky fanatic ones; they always know the answers). When you pretty much doubt every choice you've made. When there's not much out there that entices your interest. I don't want to even start with what's going on in this mess of corporate interests, religions, larger-than-life egos, and tiny, tiny dots of darkness called our world. I cannot really say anything that hasn't been said. And I'm at least ten years older than the person that believed anything's possible, change included.

So, I'll linger in my mid-20s head (uhh, over the hill 20s, or whatever the expression). That's the first time in my life when I actually turn back and ponder over the decisions and choices I've made. And ask if I've ever had a choice, ever... Are choices made before opportunities even arise?

I cannot say I'm sorry about the decisions I've made. I mean, I might be sorry but what's the point? Many of the choices I've made have been bad, or worse... There's a chance I do remember only the bad ones. What I want to know is not what were they but why were they... Good or bad, I want to know why I made these choices. Increasingly, I have felt the pressure of being on a crossroad. Twice in my life I made choices that totally changed if not me, my concept of me. Once, I made a choice that completely changed my life.

Oddly enough, the decisions were never made purely consciously; I don't recall a distinct moment when I thought, that's it, I know what I'm doing and that's how it's going to be. But, decisions were nevertheless made.

What worries me is the lack of control over these events. Yes, decisions were made. But how could I make them? If ever asked in a serious discussion I'd never say I'd make such choices; I'd also have the most convincing and sound arguments to support whatever hypothetical choice it'd be. Yet...

I know there is an explanation. I believe in reason, I believe in cause and effect. I see the effects, admittedly not all of them. Now I want the cause and the price doesn't matter.

How does one go about getting to know oneself?