In the bubble, big shiny bubble

Cannot sleep, my mind is on fire. I'm not exactly sure why, I've been restless for such a long time. I miss some people from back in the time; I was able to say so much to these people and they would still be there in the end; they would know I'd be there for them when their turn came. These people are still back there, only I am not (or, are they; they have lives of their own, I have to remind myself).

Is that going to be a lament for the lost, or wasted? Maybe, maybe...

It seems there's a mid-20s crisis no one's ever talking about (or I haven't heard of, that's a possibility). We all know about the teen years, been there, done that. Middle-age crisis, it'll undoubtedly come, everyone says so. But what about the mid-20s crisis, when you realize there's nothing certain, there's no right answer to anything (oh, well, unless you're one of the lucky fanatic ones; they always know the answers). When you pretty much doubt every choice you've made. When there's not much out there that entices your interest. I don't want to even start with what's going on in this mess of corporate interests, religions, larger-than-life egos, and tiny, tiny dots of darkness called our world. I cannot really say anything that hasn't been said. And I'm at least ten years older than the person that believed anything's possible, change included.

So, I'll linger in my mid-20s head (uhh, over the hill 20s, or whatever the expression). That's the first time in my life when I actually turn back and ponder over the decisions and choices I've made. And ask if I've ever had a choice, ever... Are choices made before opportunities even arise?

I cannot say I'm sorry about the decisions I've made. I mean, I might be sorry but what's the point? Many of the choices I've made have been bad, or worse... There's a chance I do remember only the bad ones. What I want to know is not what were they but why were they... Good or bad, I want to know why I made these choices. Increasingly, I have felt the pressure of being on a crossroad. Twice in my life I made choices that totally changed if not me, my concept of me. Once, I made a choice that completely changed my life.

Oddly enough, the decisions were never made purely consciously; I don't recall a distinct moment when I thought, that's it, I know what I'm doing and that's how it's going to be. But, decisions were nevertheless made.

What worries me is the lack of control over these events. Yes, decisions were made. But how could I make them? If ever asked in a serious discussion I'd never say I'd make such choices; I'd also have the most convincing and sound arguments to support whatever hypothetical choice it'd be. Yet...

I know there is an explanation. I believe in reason, I believe in cause and effect. I see the effects, admittedly not all of them. Now I want the cause and the price doesn't matter.

How does one go about getting to know oneself?